Self-doubt
Been working on acceptance of being a coyote. Been testing myself to try to get rid of it and consequently feeling terrible about it. My self-doubts don't come from myself. I was able to realize they come from outside sources. Been wearing a mask so long I don't entirely believe what is underneath it regardless of how I feel but it's obvious once the labels are dropped and everything is ignored.
Adaptability. I don't feel too out of place among people. My adaptability causes some doubt but I realize I have just been comparing my experiences to other people's too much. Ambiguous origins of this trait. Do I adapt and not feel out of place because I'm a coyote or do I adapt and not feel out of place because I am still at least partially human? I don't know.
I can't even differentiate between coyote and human, too much blending but I also don't know what is human behavior. I know I don't understand a lot of it. I don't see what they see in human behavior and what the point to it really is. I know other people don't want to roll on rotten things and don't want to scavenge off roadkill or other found corpses and move on all fours and snatch a lizard or vole or bugs up in their mouth to eat or respond to sirens and coyotes and dogs and violins with barking howls and do all those weirder coyote things. But I do. Is that the divide?
I have no idea and I'm just rambling the first that comes to mind. Me being a coyote feels honest and true but I often have gut anxiety and trusting my gut is nearly impossible as a result. I can say the truest, most objectively observable and verifable thing but my anxiety will not allow an answer beyond "no". I'm trying to fix this. I know my coyoteness is there. I realize that for now, I can observe a yes or no answer from a voice in my mind that I don't influence and a feeling in my chest. I ask about being a coyote and I get "yes". Loud & clear.
Adaptability. I don't feel too out of place among people. My adaptability causes some doubt but I realize I have just been comparing my experiences to other people's too much. Ambiguous origins of this trait. Do I adapt and not feel out of place because I'm a coyote or do I adapt and not feel out of place because I am still at least partially human? I don't know.
I can't even differentiate between coyote and human, too much blending but I also don't know what is human behavior. I know I don't understand a lot of it. I don't see what they see in human behavior and what the point to it really is. I know other people don't want to roll on rotten things and don't want to scavenge off roadkill or other found corpses and move on all fours and snatch a lizard or vole or bugs up in their mouth to eat or respond to sirens and coyotes and dogs and violins with barking howls and do all those weirder coyote things. But I do. Is that the divide?
I have no idea and I'm just rambling the first that comes to mind. Me being a coyote feels honest and true but I often have gut anxiety and trusting my gut is nearly impossible as a result. I can say the truest, most objectively observable and verifable thing but my anxiety will not allow an answer beyond "no". I'm trying to fix this. I know my coyoteness is there. I realize that for now, I can observe a yes or no answer from a voice in my mind that I don't influence and a feeling in my chest. I ask about being a coyote and I get "yes". Loud & clear.