Getting Back to Myself
Apparently my mind is clearest when I wake up and I believe the clearness helps the core part of me out a bit. I wonder if the wake up and howl urge is a thing witnessed in canine behavior or a me quirk. I can't find anything so I'll assume it's me. On a similar note, if I meditate and get to the right state and hear a siren while there, I can't guarantee I won't howl back without even thinking. It's a good thing I'm alone when that happens.
Same with me waking up from sleep after being startled. I bark and snarl and growl until the perceived threat retreats. I do this without thinking. After I've been awake for a while, it gets difficult to be me at all. So used to suppression that I do it without thinking at this point. When an accidental startled bark in early middle school makes you the target of bullying until you move away and start 9th grade elsewhere, you learn that shit real quick.
I'm trying to unlearn it. I've forgotten a lot about who & what I am as a result. I can't forget reading the coyote article in the June 2009 issue of Ranger Rick that I had found at school. I remember the feeling of looking at myself in a sense. This was blocked out by conscious thoughts of my other focuses: wolves & domestic cats. I didn't think much of coyotes until I actually realized what that feeling I had while reading that article meant years later.
I think I need to head out to the desert. I have plans to move to New Mexico once I get the funds. It sure isn't the Mojave that I feel a connection to as a coyote but it's cheaper and I could learn a thing or two about myself there.
Same with me waking up from sleep after being startled. I bark and snarl and growl until the perceived threat retreats. I do this without thinking. After I've been awake for a while, it gets difficult to be me at all. So used to suppression that I do it without thinking at this point. When an accidental startled bark in early middle school makes you the target of bullying until you move away and start 9th grade elsewhere, you learn that shit real quick.
I'm trying to unlearn it. I've forgotten a lot about who & what I am as a result. I can't forget reading the coyote article in the June 2009 issue of Ranger Rick that I had found at school. I remember the feeling of looking at myself in a sense. This was blocked out by conscious thoughts of my other focuses: wolves & domestic cats. I didn't think much of coyotes until I actually realized what that feeling I had while reading that article meant years later.
I think I need to head out to the desert. I have plans to move to New Mexico once I get the funds. It sure isn't the Mojave that I feel a connection to as a coyote but it's cheaper and I could learn a thing or two about myself there.